


When You Try to Make Amends

by GiraffesAndDietPepsi



Series: When You Let Go [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Reconciliation, Sibling Bonding, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), This Can Probably Be Read as a Stand Alone One Shot but It can be Read with the rest of the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiraffesAndDietPepsi/pseuds/GiraffesAndDietPepsi
Summary: Connor takes Evan's advice to attempt to reconcile with Zoe.This takes place in between chapters 12 and 13 of When You Let Go.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy
Series: When You Let Go [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899919
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	When You Try to Make Amends

Evan’s advice floats in Connor’s head all the way home. Being told that the best course of action is to just  _ try _ to apologize to her seems too easy. He listens to his Spotify playlist hoping to work out exactly how he’s going to be able to apologize to his sister.

He’s done nothing but fuck up with her.

He adores his sister. He always has. When she was born, his parents tell him he never wanted to leave her side. He knows that urge never actually fell away. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to not hurt her. Pushing her away has been the safest option the last few years. He’s only yelled at her a few times the past few years, but those interactions have undoubtedly shaped the perceptions she has of him. He hates it. Half of why he stays away is that he’s scared of how he may one day end up reacting to her physically.

Connor knows he loves his sister. He also knows that she doesn’t know how much he loves her. He secretly has attended every band concert she has. His parents always sit in the front row, so he can slip in and out of the back easily. He’s ignored her for years, and when he has talked to her, it’s only ever been to yell at her. Every time he thinks about it, his stomach feels really gross. It’s just about the biggest physical reaction he’s had to anything in a while.

He wants to be better.

When he went to the park the night two weeks ago, he had kept the note he had stolen from Evan because the words there were perfect. He  _ doesn’t _ know Zoe. He doesn’t really know his sister, but he thinks that if he did, things really would be different. Fuck, he didn’t even try to say goodbye. 

He doubts she would even have wanted him to say goodbye.

Regardless, he wants to try to make things better with her. If he’s going to really try living, he figures having people around him that he cares about will help. 

Having someone care enough to talk to him the past week and a half has apparently made him a fucking optimist. It’s almost like a little bit of positive social interaction is good for mental health.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll be able to improve his mental health enough that his parents will try therapy again.

He hopes so.

He pulls up outside of his house and cuts the engine. He sits in his car for a solid ten minutes attempting to work up the courage to finally apologize to Zoe. She deserves better than him. He can try to be better for her though.

Connor gets out of his car and makes his way to his house.

His parents aren’t home. That will hopefully make this easier. He walks up the stairs slowly and stops outside his sister’s door.

He could turn back. He can just go to his room and continue to let his sister believe he hates her. That would be easier. If he hates her, then all the yelling at her makes sense. If she knows he cares about her, then he’s the monster she definitely thinks he is. Not that the belief is wrong.

He raises his hand and knocks on her bedroom door.

“Come in.”

He opens the door and walks in.

“Oh, I thought Mom and Dad were back.”

“Uh, no. Not yet.”

“What do you want?”

“I um,” he swallows hard. He can’t believe he let Evan talk him into this. Just because he’s wanted to reconcile with his sister for quite some time that doesn’t mean he’s prepared to actually take the steps to do it. He takes a deep breath, “Do you want to paint my nails?”

Zoe looks taken aback by his suggestion. 

He figures she doesn’t know how to respond, so he continues, “So you know how I always have my nails painted, right? Well, yours always look better than mine, so I figured I’d ask if you could do them.”

She still looks confused and a bit suspicious, but she nods her head, “I guess.”

A small smile takes over his lips as he goes to sit down with her as she pulls out her black nail polish and the rest of her nail care supplies.

She starts working on his nails silently. He has no idea what to say. He figures anything will do, “So how’s school?”

Okay, that was a generic, dumb question. Can’t do anything about it now.

She looks up at him confused. Dumb. He is dum—

“School’s okay. My history class is really interesting,” she pauses, “What about you?”

_ She’s showing interest _ , “For English, I’m rereading  _ Harry Potter _ with Evan.”

Zoe nods pensively.

“So anythi—”

“Why are you here?”

_ Oh. _ Of course he’d have to get to that. ‘I um, I wanted to apologize.”

Zoe raises her eyebrows and motions for him to continue.

“I have been absolutely awful to you. I’ve yelled at you and blatantly ignored you. I’m so sorry for what I did at the beginning of the summer. I know that it’s not an excuse, but I don’t remember it whatsoever. I just know that I really hurt you, and I have hurt you more than once emotionally.”

He takes a deep breath and continues, “I don’t want you to forgive me yet. I haven’t proved to you that I’m going to be better. I want to be though.”

Zoe finishes up his nails and sets him with a look, “You have hurt me. You’re right; you haven’t proven that you’re going to be better.” A small smile graces her lips, “I’m willing to help you try though. I want my brother back.”

She moves forward and wraps him in a hug, and he immediately reciprocates. He presses his head hard into her shoulder and just lets himself feel the relief of hugging his little sister. He’s not sure, but he thinks a teardrop leaks out of one of his eyes.

There’s a long way to go from here, but he thinks that this was the perfect place to start.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I've got a middle of the week update. Shocking, I know. 
> 
> Got some Murphy sibling love. These two deserve to have a better relationship. I'm trying to address their complicated relationship as best I can. 
> 
> Tell me what you think!
> 
> This is the link back to [Chapter 13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897289/chapters/64726363#workskin).


End file.
